Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
