Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
