my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
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