your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
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