lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
