thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
