Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
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