My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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