There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
