I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can you bring me the toilet please
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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