i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
