I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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