It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
