I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
