Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
