yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
