Well douche your snatch and let's go!
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
