Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
