Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
