I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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