Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
