Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
someone owes me an orgasm
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
