my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
The power of my boobs compel you
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
