My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Randomize
