I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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