I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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