I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You should frame my arrest warrant.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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