i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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