His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
