Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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