the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
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