I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
