I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
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I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
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He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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