Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
