And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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