We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
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he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
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Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person