you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night