yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.