i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
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He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
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i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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