I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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