Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
