Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
