hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
