im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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