What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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