I wish my penis had an off switch
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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