a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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