We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
