and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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