I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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