Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
