Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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