why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
