peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
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I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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