i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Little spoons don't ask big questions
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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