I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
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